I couldn’t tell you my father or mother’s opinions on people of color growing up. I never remember hearing words that spoke or rang of hatred, but it also wasn’t things I paid attention to. I can say that one of the good things I remember from my childhood was never having opinions of race, religion, or the like pushed on me, or really talked about in ear shot. Id always felt that my whole life had been lucky in that sense. I was able to develop my own outlook without ever being told what to think. I am very much aware of how lucky I am, especially in a world full of hate. Hate which is taught, and not something someone is born to do.
In hindsight, I feel this was also a detriment to me. While it’s true I was never taught to hate growing up, I was never taught the injustices in the world, or how important it is to love one another. Not from within my own home, anyways. It is a glaring example of silence is consent, whether it’s done on purpose or because of ignorance.
One of my all-time favorite shows growing up was Dukes of Hazzard. It had a bright, colorful car that did amazing stunts and awesome action sequences, and an extremely attractive female with mile long legs. I use to watch this with my father, and as I got older after he passed away, would watch reruns on the TV. It’s always been apart of the good memories of my childhood. As I got older I would always find things that had the confederate flag on it to me be awesome looking, because it reminded me of these emotions. Emotions rooted in grasping a life I missed, of an easier time when I had two parents in my life and a normal childhood. Something that even to this day, emotions that play too large of a part in my mental wellbeing.
I owned a confederate flag in high school. Never hung it, but saw it for $5 in a store one day and grabbed it. I had a belt buckle with the confederate flag. One of the first things I learned to make in Microsoft paint when I was younger and getting into computers was a confederate flag. As i got older and fell in love with NASCAR, it was just another symbol I saw attached to things I enjoyed and cherished.
In high school I bought a NO FEAR shirt that had the flag emblazoned on the inside of the logo. I added it to my list of things I thought was cool involving something I honestly never really understood. I would wear it to school and no one ever said anything to me. Even the black kids I knew were always cordial to me. When I had my senior pictures done, one of them was one of me wearing this shirt. In the entire history of my life, I had never connected the cool looking flag on the top of the General Lee, as something that would offend people. I had also surrounded myself with people, while I never directly heard them use words of hatred to people, I had heard the “Civil War wasn’t just about Slavery”, argument so much that I had adopted it when asked by white friends in reference to the items I owned.
It was well into my 20’s when I started having conversations with people about the connections to racism and the confederate flag. At this point, all my stuff I had had from my past was long gone and nothing I really thought about anymore. I started watching and listening and talking to people of color who explained to me why It was wrong, and that while I personally never thought of the flag in connection with the horrible treatment of an entire group of people, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a thing. If anything it was worse that growing up in the 80’s and 90’s that its true meaning was ignored and just used as a marketing ploy, that was really just another way to spread hate through ignorance.
In 2007, my wife and I had our first child. I became even more aware of the world I was living in, knowing I needed to start doing more to make it a better place, and that I needed to make sure he knew the difference between right and wrong, and that love will always be better than hate. The elections in 2008 hurt. I watched and learned about the hate that still existed in this country, and it was depressing. I started thinking about how my parents not teaching me personally and making conversations with me about racism and bigotry in the country, was almost as bad as pushing it. I’m not saying they were racist or bigots In the least, but more of how I started to become aware of the whole “Silence is consent” aspect of how the world is.
I also become fully aware of the people around me and the different types of hatred that exist during Obamas first term. People I grew up my whole life loving and respecting, Family and friends, outted themselves as people I wanted no desire to have a part of my life.
After my mom died, I had to clean out her house to sell and put on the market. I came across a tub of stuff from high school and in it was that $5 confederate flag that was still in it’s packaging. I remember shaking my head and throwing it away into the dumpster I had rented. I was so upset and over emotional with everything going on with the loss of my mother, and fighting emotions second guessing every argument that lead to our strained relationship, that I got so mad at myself for being such a moron.
I see people I love hurting from the world we currently live in. I watch as 4 of my nieces and nephews who are black navigate a world and country where the color of their skin makes them hated and put at risk of being killed by the people who swore oaths to serve and protect them. I watch as friends and family that are apart of the LGBQT+ community still constantly fight for their rights to just be themselves.
My wife still has that Senior picture of me. It was one of the first pictures I ever sent her. She loves the picture because I look happy, and i know her enough to know that she’d say that it’s the person in the shirt, and not the shirt that makes me who I am. It’s hard for me to look at in this stage of my life. I think of how many people I might have hurt by being “young and dumb”. An ignorance that is another in a long list of things in my youth that I wish I could change.
While I can’t change the past, I do have the amazing ability to help change the future. Talking, listening, and learning from those directly effected by the choices made by the complicated and hate filled history of this country. Showing support with my words, my actions, and showing up at the polls. Almost as important, is teaching my children to love and accept people for who they are, no matter how different they may be. My two amazing boys are growing into their own, and I’m honestly scared that as they find themselves, there’s chances they could be persecuted for just existing. Surrounding them with love and teaching them the importance of acceptance, will hopefully help them should they find themselves fighting the same fight that this country has been fighting for over 400 years.
