I am obsessive, usually drowning myself in things I like, a lot of times for the worse. I am overly emotional, sometimes finding myself overly excited about the most mundane things, and quick to fighting tears at something as simple as reading a news headline where something bad has happened to someone I don’t know. I tend to want and expect more out of others than I have or deserve any right to, often becoming extremely hateful or depressed when the things I most want do not take place. I often find myself starting something I’m really excited about and stopping part way through because, “What’s the point, it’ll fucking suck anyways”. I lay in bed often thinking of all the ways I’ve failed my wife and kids, and how their lives would be 10 folds better without me in it.
These are just some of my personality faults that I am acutely aware of. To be honest though, in my mind, I have a worse one. It’s something that all people deal with in a vast number of ways, but for me it has a way to play hand in hand with all of the ones listed above, and almost to a destructive level.
Jealousy.
When I was younger, I loved baseball with a passion. In California, I was on several very good competitive baseball teams, even going to the city championship twice. At the time, both of my parents were around and active. They attended most games and practices. After my father died and we moved back to Kansas City, I joined a local baseball league. My mom, and to an extent, myself, had hoped it would be something I could use to get through the hard time we were dealing with. But my mom worked a lot of hours, and my father was gone and not there. I became just another kid on a team where all the dads were a coach and got to hand pick where their son started. I didn’t have anyone fighting for me. I never played baseball again after that season.
This was, in my mind, when I started letting jealousy take a stronger hold on my personality. Most people who see my tweets or Facebook posts know that I’m prone to petty posts where I seem to aggressively lash out for no real reason. I use social media as an outlet for most of my emotions. Yelling, screaming, or breaking down into the void. I grew up with the internet, both as a utility and along side it. I saw it go from Juno emails that took an hour to send, to what it is today. Hell, I met my wife online in a chat room. it’s easy for me to just be an open book in a place where everyone can see it. It’s the darker stuff, and more personal stuff that I save for these longer rambling posts.
There’s a lot of trivial things that set me off, but its usually family related. It throws me into a mental cycle that I know isn’t easy on my own wife, and I just never talk to her about it. Mostly because of how petty, and small It makes me feel about myself. Especially when a lot of it has to do with her. She’ll see something wrong, and I’ll brush it ff with a self-deprecating joke, and say what I need to make her go back to whatever she was doing.
Monica is one of 4 children. The only girl, in the middle of 3 boys. Her family is a good size, it is strong, it is close, and it is always there for each other. My sons are lucky to be apart of that family. While I am also, technically, apart of that family, I don’t feel I belong. Much like my own family, my life ideologies and theirs, do not align. I’m also not sure of what it feels like to be that close to family.
One of my best friends is one of five children, and has a family that is SUPER close and very loving and is probably closer to a family to me, but still not that close. I’ve never fit in with my family. When we moved back from California, there were so many differences between them and I, that I just pushed them away. I had one cousin that I was super close with. He died really young. When my grandmother died, any real glue holding us together vanished. Then, my mother passed, and the last thread connecting me disappeared.
I’ll then watch my friends have social lives with their significant others and got out all the time, because they can call any number of their family and ask to watch their kids and enjoy a night out. We can’t do that and will sit there and think awful things about these people I love because they have opportunities I don’t. Monica’s family is in Florida, and often I will beat myself up inside, because even though we’ve both agreed that Florida is nowhere we ever want to live, I feel I am destroying her life and keeping her from her family.
A lot times though, just watching my wife interact with and talk to members of her own family will frustrate me, and its not even her fault. The other night, her brother was here to pick up his kids, and I felt like I was intruding and went to bed. I do the same when her adult nieces and nephews are here. I want her to enjoy time with the people she loves. I usually find myself going through a cycle of jealousy, annoyance, and then petty self-pity for not having what she has with her family.
Just tonight, on July 4th, Monica and the boys went outside while I was laying down on our bed watching YouTube videos. Logan came in and asked why I wasn’t with them, and I told him I wasn’t aware they were out there. He ran outside, and Monica comes in and repeats what I said to Logan. She says, “Well come outside, it’s family time!”. I yelled, “Family time SUCKS!”, and laughed as I sat up. She responded with “Family time is FUN!”. And to myself, I said out loud, unfiltered, and in a normal tone that she couldn’t hear.. “Easy to say for someone who grew up with a family.”. It was petty, it was mean, and it was pathetic. She walked in, asking me to repeat it because she didn’t hear it. I did my normal routine and played it off and sent her back outside. After a couple minutes of shaking my head and reprimanding myself, I went outside.
I fully expect her to read this, so while yes, Monica, I am outing this all to you, I do NOT want or expect you to act any different. These are all stupid things I need to get over at some point in my life. I love you. You are my world. And if you did anything to change who you were, I would be heartbroken.
At times I feel like things are looking up. I have developed a great relationship with my two half-sisters, whom until 2011, I had never really known. We’ve gotten to share some close an emotional things in our lives with each other, and while I know I can call them if I ever needed something, I still struggle to wrap my head around it, and usually just chose to not drag them into my downward spirals.
I recently found out that I have a brother that my mother gave birth to before I was born (another blog for another time). We’ve met, and he seems like a genuinely great guy, but I don’t know how far that relationship will go. There is a lot of space, and unknown in that department, and while my sisters and I were aware of each other before we got together, this is an entirely different animal.
It’s always hard to change. Especially when things are so engrained into your soul. We all have problems, and there are a LOT of people in this world, way worse off than me, and I just need to learn to remember that and suck it the fuck up. Ne there for the family I do have… an amazing wife, and two awesome young men, who have their entire lives ahead of them. I just pray I don’t destroy them before they have a chance to experience it.
