It’s 3 AM, and I will openly apologize to anyone who reads this, as it will be unedited. My posts are usually filtered through my wife where she tells me where I’ve been an idiot. Not this one. Proceed with caution.
The biggest misconception about depression, is that it means someone is just sad. I only wish that was the case. For some of us, it’s a stupid pet Gold Fish that you’ve had for a half a day, dying, and then your brain adding it to the list of things I’ve done in life that have failed my family, and how, yet again, I’m totally not worth their love or even being a part of their lives. Makes sense, right? Right.
It’s 9 PM, and the kids are in bed. Monica is doing her workout and watching Netflix, and I’m playing the new Assassin’s Creed on the PS4. Out of nowhere, I hear Monica say, something to the effect of, “Oh, no!” I look up to see her staring at the fish tank that my mother-in-law got the boys. Spike, our new Calico Fantail Goldfish is listing. One, emergency trip to Walmart and 4 and a half hours later, our second Goldfish in less than a week is sent off to the wild blue yonder. All pipes lead to the sea. And now I’m sitting here having an internal fight with my self-conscious and telling my depression to go fuck itself. Because of a fish.
See, Zoomer, our first fish, lasted 3 hours. He was a plain ole, run of the mil Goldfish. We blamed his death on the fact that he was looking really ragged, and the guy I think just wanted to give the kids a fish that didn’t have long anyways. He was in his little tank and having issues within an hour of being here. I had no love loss for Z. But, to avoid mistakes on our end, we took precautions and prepped for another round later. The kids were very meh, about it as well.
Spike, on the other hand, was different. I wanted to find a good picture on Google but none of them look as cool as Spike did, so I won’t post it. Do a search, you’ll get the Jest. On top of looking cool, he was feisty in the tank, and our Youngest actually picked him out. They seemed to have similar personalities. The longer he went in the tank at home, being happy and swimming around, the happier my kids got. Especially the one who picked him. I was enjoying this new found joy in my kids lives. My kids smiling, is my happy place.
So when the fish number two started doing this side float thing, yet still breathing, I actually got worried. Internet searches and tank modifications were not helping. I said fuck it, the cheap little tank we had with no REAL filter but some stupid water exchange system bullshit, was not going to kill this fish. We moved Spike to a bowl with some fresh water, and I ran to Walmart at 11 PM and got a new, bigger tank, with a filter and BUBBLES! Monica kept home slice moving around and breathing. By 12:30 he seemed to be breathing better and moving his tail around more, but within an hour, he was gone.
I’m now sitting at my desk, next to a new tank flowing with bubbles, but no fish. I know that in the morning, both of the boys are going to rush over and see the new tank and get all excited but then see no fish, and all hell will break lose. Somehow this is my fault. I strive for nothing more in my life but to give them what they need out of life, and one of those things is happiness, and I couldn’t save this fish, and I am destroying their childhood, and in 20 years they won’t come to me for advice, because what the fuck does he know or care about, he couldn’t provide for us growing up, hell he let our Fish die.
This is my brain on a daily basis. This situation is a little more complex, but it’s how my day goes with everything that takes place. It gets worse when I’m in bed at night and can’t sleep and it all piles on. Telling it to turn off doesn’t work. I’ve tried just about everything. Luckily for me, after fighting this for over 20 years, I’ve gotten to where I know and understand what’s happening and can try and push it away and look for the better side of all things. It scares me though, because there are people in this world if fight this same fight, but can’t see it, and can’t control the demons in their head, and take the only way out that they can think of and justify. Striving to make my family happy keeps me from falling into that deep of a pit, as does knowing that it’s there. But knowing it’s there is all I need to be utterly scared.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check online for a new Calico Fantail Goldfish.
