I’ve lost a lot of people in my life to death. As you can imagine, the ones that were the hardest were my parents. I lost one when I was too young to fully understand, and one when I was old enough to grasp the full ramifications. I can tell you that in the end, there is no real difference. Sure the relationships developed with each one might have been different, but whether you do it fast or slow, pulling off a bandage still leaves the same unpleasant sensation on your skin. So when the pain is more than skin deep, the sensation is 100 times worse.
I attended a funeral a couple months ago for a man whom I considered a friend. One of the gentlemen tasked with talking about this man, brought up a topic that hit hard with me. It’s one that I have struggled with since my father’s death, and one that has intensified 10 fold since my mothers. He was talking to the man’s children about all the times they will encounter over the next few days, months, and in some cases years where the thoughts of things that could have been, and the arguments over what they personally could have done different. What they would or wouldn’t need to do to honor their father’s legacy. The inner voices, or as he put it, Demons, that will try and dissuade you from your current path in life. Thay will try and tear you done by thinking of all the bad things, and removing the good things from your thoughts.
Whether you are a person to qualify these types of things as Demons, or a form of a subconscious, physiological breakdown, the fact still remains; the biggest enemy one has when dealing with the loss of someone so close, is ourselves. If you get lonely, you can call your friends/family over and talk. When your start missing their voice or face, you can cue up some old photos/videos. But when you start wishing the last thing you said to them wasn’t something stupid, instead of “I Love You!”, it gets harder. When it had been a couple weeks since you last talked because you were aggravated at something they said, and now that opportunity is gone, it’s unexplainable.
My mother died the morning of December 14th, 2013. I had received a call around 10:00 pm the night before from Hospice and was informed that she was fading. December 13th is my wife’s birthday. I had been spending it with my wife and two of our best friends. I made the decision to leave and go to hospice. I sat there, awake, all night with two of my mom’s sisters. I was able to stay awake until 5 am where I fell sleep in a chair. I woke 2 hours later… kissed my mom bye, and told her I’d be back. Took my family to get laundry done, eat and then was home to take a shower and go back to Hospice. My mom died before I was done with my shower.
I tell this story, because every decision I made from the moment I left my house that night has haunted me since the day she died. Until a few months ago, the decision to leave and go home that morning is something that I had mentally and emotionally punished myself for every day. I can’t put into words, why I was able to get past this, but I did. It is possible. It gives me hope for all the other demons I battle, including the vault full I accumulated in the 10+ years following my fathers death. The point though, is that the demons, your own subconscious,,,whatever it is, can be beaten. Unfortunately I, and many others, have a long way to go in situations like this. I am just merely using it as an example of the things that someone can destroy themselves with after they lose someone.
When I meet someone dealing with loss, I tell them simple things. Rely on the ones you love the most. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Even friends you may not be that good of friends with, can be great listeners. Keeping yourself active helps but only goes so far. Having said that, reintroducing yourself to an old hobby or something you haven’t had the time for can also help. Lastly, don’t be afraid to cry.
